Season 3 Episode 2
THE TENSOME TAKES TULUM
Season 3 Episode 2
THE TENSOME TAKES TULUM
Sasha Mutchnik drops The Decameron into a hotter-than-hell fantasy 📖🏖️
Words by Sasha Mutchnik
Posted March 25, 2021
EXT. RESORT BEACH - AFTERNOON
It's a grey day in paradise. The beach is mostly bare, underscored by the faint NTSS NTSS of early 2000s French techno.
Five young women lie on their stomachs in a row of beach chairs. They are EMILIA, NEFF, FIA, MENA and PALOMA.
Emilia, 25, rolls over, adjusts her Inamorata bikini, and snaps a quick selfie. She glances around.
Where are the boys?
A discarded RXBar wrapper blows across the sand: a jet setter's tumbleweed.
Paloma, 31 but youthful as any of her younger girlies (thanks to Biologique Recherché), reaches for the SPF50, sighs.
They'll be around...I texted Dino.
Mena smirks as she applies her coconut Balm Dot Com.
We can always count on you to
keep an eye on them.
What's that supposed to mean?
Emilia snorts. Mena shoots her a glare.
Why are you laughing? You've been
asking about them since we got here.
Her laughing stops.
I was just curious, okay? It's a
completely normal question.
Neff, 19, rushes up, soaked from the waves.
You guys, I'm having the time of
my freaking life! You need to
get out there!!
She towels off and reaches for her Brandy Melville oversized crewneck.
Where are the boys?
Oh my god, see?!
Filamena seems to have gotten
it in her head that we're all
too obsessed with ~the boys~
See, it's like, even calling...
them "the boys"...you sound
Fia, 24, silent and possibly napping until now, shoots up from her seat.
Okay, guys. C'mon. Paloma organized
this beautiful getaway, and my shrooms
are currently hitting. So let's all, like,
bring it down a whoooole lot of
She turns to Mena.
Mena, let's cool it with the puritan energy,
alright? I get that you want every conversation to
Bechtel test, I do. But we're in paradise with a bunch
hotties. We're young, we're healthy, we're practically
the stars of our own Sofia Coppola film. We don't
need to be on our girlboss shit right now, we just
need to be. Here, I'm gonna get us a round
of drinks. What does everybody want?
I'll take a vodka with flat water and lemon juice,
Do you think they have white claw?
Then I'll take that. And if not, I'll have a skinny
Got it. Neff?
Can I get an Aperol spritz, please?
Oooh fun! I like the way you're thinking! Mena?
She rolls onto her back and pulls a towel over head.
Alright, I'm getting her a double mojito. Watch
my shit, okay?
She saunters off toward the beachside bar.
Everyone getting excited for tonight??
Who's in charge of tonight's stories again?
Mena groans, emerges from beneath her towel.
Can we just go, like, five minutes without talking
Okay, enough of this, I'm starting to burn. I'll see
you guys at dinner.
She hoists her Goyard tote over her shoulder and heads out.
Emilia turns to Neff.
Can you snap a quick pic of me? The light is
so nice right now.
Okay, but remember Paloma said no posting
Well, I mean, it's not like I'm posting us
popping champagne on a super spreader
boat day. I'm just alone on a beach. For
all anyone knows I just, like, drove to the
She starts writhing on her beach chair, cycling through different poses.
Neff shrugs, lifts the phone
Whatever... just don't tag me.
EXT. RESORT RESTAURANT - DINNERTIME
The blazing sunset glows the color of an orange wine, and fades at the edges to a mellow, Marxist-infographic pink.
The entire Brigata is assembled now: all the beach girls, plus the boys - DINO, PAUL, and PHILLIP - and their additional female compatriots, ELISSA and LAURA.
The Casamigos is flowing, the vibes are good.
Did I tell you guys about the time I matched with
Bella Hadid on Raya?
Mena's eyes roll as far back in her head as they'll go.
Shh! She could literally be here. Don't embarrass
me. She and I are like, colleagues.
Emilia looks around in a panic.
Save your stories for after dinner, Dino. Laura, could
you pass the ceviche, please?
I've got such a good one for tonight.
What do you mean? I didn't even announce the
Do you want me to pass the tostadas, too? They're
sooo good with it.
Aw c'mon, Dino, you never stick to the theme.
God no, I haven't eaten a tostada since 2015 and I'm
not going to start now.
Laura blushes mid-bite. Sets a half-eaten tortilla chip back on her plate.
Elissa, 19 and girlish, bats her lashes.
Dino, what is the theme for tonight?
Mena widens her eyes to match Elissa's, adopting an uncharacteristic breathiness.
Oh yes, Dino, please tell us!
Phillip laughs. Paloma is not amused.
Mena, stop picking on everyone. I don't want a
repeat of what happened earlier at the beach.
How was the beach? It looked kinda cloudy in
Paloma lowers her margarita.
Laura, 23 and softest-spoken of the bunch, grows even more sheepish than usual.
The ones she posted on Instagram?
Paloma whips her head toward Emilia with enough speed to break something.
They didn't have a location tag or anything...
Paloma lets out a big exhale. Takes a sip of marg. Reloads:
Okay. Does everyone recall when I proposed this?
A resounding "yes" echoes across the table.
Sooo, you all remember my two stipulations for
hosting you all at my stepfather's beachside resort?
A slightly more timid collective "yes"
Great. And, Neff, do you think you could remind
everyone what those two requirements were?
Why me?? What do I have to do with any of this?
Okay, Elissa, why don't you tell us?
Everyone gets tested before arrival, and nobody
posts on social media.
Thank you, Elissa. And were those... unrealistic
Paloma, come on...
No. This is serious. Emilia?
Look, come on. I'm an influencer. You think I paid
for that bikini?? Posting is literally my job. I didn't
tag anyone, I didn't have anyone else in the
pictures -- I don't see how they could possibly
even be linked back to you.
Phillip, 24, twinky as all hell, pipes up:
To be fair, they were really good pictures.
I know, I took so many!
Neff gasps. Shit.
Okay, so Neff, you knowingly took the pictures?!?!
I didn't know what she was using them for! I
thought it could have just been for the memories!
Ugh, naive Neff strikes again!
Oh my god, are you serious??
Did anyone not know about this post??
The table is silent. You could hear a Mejuri earring drop.
Well, I don't even have Instagram... so..
Okay, that's it!
Paloma pushes back her seat and practically erupts from the table.
As she gets up, the heaping mortar of ceviche topples over, sending leche de tigre and chunks of seabass spilling across the table.
Shrieks and curses abound.
Paloma is mortified, but she doesn't let it throw her off her rant:
I'm going to the infrared sauna to sweat out all your
traitorous vibes. Have a lovely dinner!
She storms off, taking her margarita with her.
I'm not paying for this!
Everyone's still for a moment.
Laura bites loudly into a chip.
Well, as I said before, Em: you look snatched as
fuck in those pictures.
I wouldn't worry about it, babe -- she'll forget all of
this by tomorrow. Should we try to move tables?
She flags down a waiter with a quick flick of her wrist.
Damn, does this mess up story time?
Just then, from across the outdoor dining deck:
A WOMAN'S VOICE (O/S)
Dino? Is that you?
Everyone whips around to see BELLA HADID, waving in all her maskless glory.
Oh my god.
(under his breath)
What'd I fucking tell you guys??
Bella!! What's up homegirl? I haven't seen you
Ugh, I know, it's been ages! You look great!
She glances around the table, all smiles.
Hey, I'm Bella.
The group offers enthusiastic hi's and hey's.
Well, I'm heading to my table, but maybe I'll catch
up with you after?
Yeah, of course. Actually, you can join our.
We do this thing every night where everyone goes.
around and tells a story based on the same theme.
Dino's choosing the theme tonight
Oh my god, that's so cute! Yeah, I'm down... I have
plenty of fun stories.
Emilia gives her best "so true bestie" laugh.
I'm sure you do!
Right. Well... I'll see you later?
They bid each other adieu with a double-cheek kiss, and she's off.
Everyone at the table is aglow under Bella's spell.
Even Mena can barely suppress a smile.
Okay, I like, totally think she remembered me,
Dino's now-indisputable power settles over the group.
Damn, I think I may have to come up with a better