“I AM RON FUCKING POPEIL!”
He screamed at his reflection while slamming his palm against the full-length mirror. He stood in the green room of a live production studio in Santa Clarita, surrounded by his team. They were gathered to film the infomercial pilot of their new product, Showtime™ Rotisserie & BBQ Oven™ Pro.
He checked his wristwatch, “How? dare? she?” he barked into his tanned foreman, causing the woman touching up his foundation to jump.
Normally a rational man, Ronald, “America’s Inventor” had become increasingly short tempered ever since She came into the picture.
Lillian.
His new co-host. A peaky-looking woman with a gelled, prickly, pixie cut. She ended up in the Ronco circuit after a run-in with Ron’s agent at the Von’s on Sunset (she was out of her beloved Boboli). Lil had been in need of a new gig since her character, Party-goer #2, had been written out of the next 7th Heaven episode. This new opportunity seemed like it could be her big break, so she dropped the pizza crusts in her basket, and shook on the offer.
Her predecessor had left big shoes to fill. Steven, Ron’s former co-host was quick-witted, light on his feet, and connected with the senior crowd in a way that she could never hope to. He had been with the ‘Co through waves of innovation. It was Steve who suggested using V8 juice in the Ronco™ Popeil Automatic Pasta Maker™, creating a tomato rotini so pure – so clean in flavor. Some even say it was Steve, not Ron, who coined the phrase, “Accept no substitutes”, during a debate over Antz vs. A Bug’s Life (Steve was team Antz).
The harmony between R and S was that out of a storybook. Their working relationship was all business but when they got on that stage, their routine was nothing short of a ballet. They twirled around the cabinets with ease, grinning playfully to their guests and injecting their warmth using casual conversation (and a little help from the Showtime BBQ™ Flavor Injector™). Their emerald-green aprons lay snug on their chests, clean and crisp, with not even a drop of flavor injectulate to soil them. They were professionals.
“She’ll get them going soon, want a drink?” said a staffer as she plunged her hand into an ice bath. She fished around for a Diet Coke, snapped it open, and offered it to Ron.
He looked disgusted, “Diet Coke? Are you new here?” he replied. “Did you even read my rider??”
Ron’s Rider™ consisted of the following.
— 10 bags - Smartfood white cheddar popcorn
— 4 racks - baby back ribs, unsauced and rotisserie-d
— 1 dozen - hard-boiled eggs, peeled, yolks removed
— 8 ounces - Country Crock
— 4 ounces – Zachy’s chicken schmaltz, lukewarm
— 6 cans - Diet Pepsi
— 1 bottle - Canadian Club
— 1 pound - See’s candies, soft-centers only
— 1 canister - crystal light citrus blend flavor, non-mixed, with a spoon