The students stood up beside their desks, just as they had done every day since they returned to school for their spring semester. “I pledge allegiance to My Dad, the King of the United States of America,” they all recited, though a few stumbled, clearly still adjusting to the new words. The flag they faced toward, hanging at the front of the classroom, was different, too, an all-white canvas with a big black star plastered smack-dab in the middle. The widespread belief was that this new flag ★ symbolized the idea that there was only one true star of the United States now.

It was Day 111 of Life Under President Kanye West and all citizens had been welcomed to his new jungle.

When the students sat back down in their chairs, each dressed in their mandatory school uniform of a pink Ralph Lauren polo and loose-fitting Yeezy sweats, the teacher instructed them to open their textbooks to page 322. Today, they would be learning about Hurricane Katrina in a chapter conveniently titled “George Bush Doesn’t Care About Black People.” Later, they’d be heading out for a field trip.

Just a few miles down the road, the most famous “house” in the country, once a lovely pale eggshell, had been completely repainted black. Several weeks before, during an official unveiling that simulcast across all major networks, First Lady Kim Kardashian said the paint job represented “a new beginning, a total reset of American values.” Kim also had taken some liberties in decorating, forgoing the dominant trend of old-money coziness in favor of stark soullessness. It was all white columns, architectural furniture in empty rooms, and unnecessarily grand floral arrangements. Portraits of past presidents had been replaced with platinum record plaques and what few shelves were left had been peppered with Grammys and Billboard Music Awards. Unsurprisingly, a music studio had been erected where the Oval Office once stood. Over the months, members of the Secret Service had become accustomed to random musicians pouring in and out of the house. Living in this new normal mandated a flexible mindset; the norms of yesteryear no longer applied.

According to the New York Post, it had taken the Kardashian Klan a while to agree to make the move from Calabasas to D.C. But as soon as E! offered them a new TV contract — this time, for a new reality series called Fucking Around With The First Family — everyone immediately packed up to head East. While the show’s inaugural season had yet to begin airing, teasers were already rolling out. From what could be gleaned, Kim’s storyline would be focused on her efforts to continue bailing wrongfully-convicted prisoners out of jail while Kylie’s would follow her as she tried to make “Makeup Artistry” a legitimate subject taught in American schools. (As the newly-instated Secretary of Education, Kris Jenner couldn’t help but aid Kylie in her pursuit.)

Kanye, however, refused to make any appearances. “I’m the most powerful man in the world now, just like I’ve always known I was,” he was caught saying by a TMZ videographer who had somehow weaseled his way onto the base of Air Force One. “Reality TV is beneath me.”

By the time the students reached the Black House, many were giddy. “I’ve been looking forward to this day my whole life,” one boy, aged 17, said to no one in particular. “Do you think we’ll be able to see Kylie?” asked a 16-year-old girl to her friend. “I want to tell her how much I adore the Kylie Cosmetics ‘In My Feels’ Blush Stick. See, I’m wearing it right now.”

Little did they know that they wouldn’t be seeing anyone during their tour. As it turned out, the entire Kardashian Klan had been pulled into a last-minute promotional shoot for the upcoming premiere of their latest E! show. President West, meanwhile, was simply nowhere to be found.

Nevertheless, the students traipsed through the Black House alone, careful not to knock over any of the glass statues that now stood against otherwise empty walls. Their tour guide often struggled to provide context for anything in the vicinity. “None of these objects hold any real presidential value,” one student overheard her murmuring under her breath.

By the time the students arrived back at school, most of them were exhausted. But the day was not done just yet. They had to start rehearsing for graduation, after all. But they wouldn’t be marching to “Pomp and Circumstance” as their parents and older siblings had done in the past. No, from now on, high schoolers across the country would be doing their processionals to West’s Graduation track “Champion.”

President Kanye West had successfully fashioned the United States of America into his own beautiful, dark, twisted fantasy. We, his loyal American citizens, had all become New Slaves.