Taking their seats outside, Gwyneth sighs mightily, her eyes dazzling, “Anyway! So, tell me everything. I mean, you’re living in LA! For the first time in, what, like, forever?”
“Diablo Cody refused to relocate.”
“I’m sorry?”
“A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do when she’s writing the story of her life,” says Madonna, cheersing her drink with Gwyneth’s but then setting it back down without taking a sip. “I’m writing a screenplay with Diablo Cody. A biopicture. My career, my life. All its many twists and tumbles. And she wouldn’t come to me in Lisbon. Something about not wanting to take her children out of their schools. So here I am. Making a film.”
“Ugh! M! Power to you. I gave that shit up. I had enough of this town.”
“It’s something of a paradox, isn’t it?” Madonna says, maybe to Gwyneth, maybe to the Talmudic angels above. “Los Angeles. So lush on the surface, so empty at its core. It’s a challenge not to lose one’s memory here.”
Pack it up, Joan Didion, Kevin mind-whispers from inside the house.
“Shh,” says Gwyneth out loud, accidentally.
Madonna’s brow almost furrows.
“It’s definitely no London,” Gwyneth says, trying to broach a common ground. “Doesn’t that feel like yesterday? And then, like, a million years ago?”
“A million lifetimes ago,” corrects Madonna. “I have to say, I miss it sometimes. I miss the rigidity of London. I miss having so much staunchness to push back against.”
“Totally,” says Gwyneth, world-wearily. “Do you keep in touch with anybody from those days? It’s so hard.”
Taking her first sip, Madonna swallows, “Hmm. It’s funny, you know, I moved to some foreign place to marry a man and then we divorce and he keeps the country all for himself. A very English thing to do, if you think about it. But to answer your question—yes. Stella.”
“God, isn’t she just the best? I’m obsessed with her. She made my wedding dress for me. This second time around.”
“She designed my wedding dress as well,” says Madonna, stiffening in her seat.
Keenly aware of the ring on her finger, Gwyneth tucks her left hand at the chin and leans in toward Madonna. She’d just interviewed somebody for her podcast about emotionally-intelligent-power posing and, remembering what was said about women proving their most collaborative when contorted into vulva-like silhouettes, Gwyneth arches her back and hopes for body language to bridge their gap. And yet she struggles to think of a new topic. Silence hanging in the air nearly long enough for Gwyneth to consider asking her why Lourdes texted Apple that photo of a completely naked Daisy Duck a couple years back. But, not a moment too soon, Kevin came outside with a steaming dinner plate in each hand.
“Whole roasted branzino,” says Kevin, triple-checking his left-versus-right as he sets a plate in front of each woman. “Served with a Castelvetrano olive relish.”
“Was this cooked with butter?”
Kevin’s eyes dart to Gwyneth’s, hunting for confirmation and hoping for mercy.
“Um, where do you think you are? This is an olive oil-only household,” laughs Gwyneth, having, in fact, not a single clue how this fish was prepared.
“One should never assume in life,” says Madonna, taking her first bite of fish off the edge of her knife. “So: Goop.”
“I know.”
“Last I saw you, it was, what, just a little homing pigeon you’d messenger from your kitchen counter.”
“Oh my God. The newsletter! Hilarious. But, yeah, so much has changed since then. I mean, it’s my entire life. But I love it. I learn so much everyday. I mean, just this afternoon, we did the final round of tests for our newest regenerating instant facial cream formulated with stomach acid harvested from Inuit elders. Like, what? It’s amazing.”
“If it’s not the thermal waters of Montecatini, it’s snake oil,” says Madonna, daintily removing a bone from her grillz. “It’s all I use in my skin care line. But: different strokes!”
Suddenly desperate for a third cigarette, Gwyneth screams, “Kevin. Kevin! How about another round of drinks for us?”
Madonna pushes her plate away with a heavy exhale, “All that oil in the fish and now a second cocktail. Naughty, naughty!”
“I know. Tracy is gonna kick my ass tomorrow.”
The eye of a cyclone falls over Chez Paltrow. Staring at Gwyneth, Madonna swills the remnants of her first drink around in its glass, the implication of her cocked eyebrow making their silence all the more terrifying. Because even as the words were actively tumbling from her mouth, Gwyneth knew she'd made her greatest error of the night. That to utter Tracy Anderson’s name was to open a Pandora’s box jump. There was no going back.
“Tracy Anderson,” sing-songs Madonna. “You’re in phenomenal shape, Gwyneth. So, what shall we say—was it all worth it?”
Scoffing, Gwyneth says, “You know what? Enough. Enough! We weren’t in middle school, Madonna. You put me in a really shitty position. I loved both of you!”
“Yes but who employed Tracy as their trainer first?” asks Madonna.
“She changed my life! I was not about to ditch her out of the blue. I could have kept working out with her and stayed your friend.”
“A shitty friend!”
“Takes one to know one,” says Gwyneth.
Rarely did anything ever penetrate Madonna. So to speak. It was a trait Gwyneth often envied and all the more so in recent years. The more that GP’s suggestions of where to stick jade eggs accrued her global contempt, the more she wished she could brave ridicule as expertly as Madonna. So to look at her just then and register the sadness settling in her eyes after being called a shitty friend, Gwyneth felt an ugly kind of victory wash over herself. She would not need another cigarette tonight.
“I was opening up Hard Candy Fitness,” sighs Madonna. “My chain of gyms. And Tracy wanted nothing to do with it so I had to cut ties. I had to. It wasn’t personal, it was just business.”
“Business is personal,” says Gwyneth, hoping she’d remember that line for the next In Goop Health summit.
“I was...I was hurt. I was hurt so I hurt you.”
“I get it,” Gwyneth says. “God, you know...I’ve missed you.”
Nodding her head, somberly, Madonna whispers, “All this time—we could have been friends.”
Reveling, but only for a moment, in the thought of all the content that their public reconciliation could create, Gwyneth grabs Madonna’s hand, her lips curling into that quintessentially Paltrovian grin as she says, “I have an idea.”