Harry Styles Watermelon Sugar Water Bottle by Nalgene $30
Look, this water bottle is fucking ugly. I will be the first to admit it. But in the great reusable water bottle wars of 2020, Nalgene is still my favorite. Simple, classic, no JUUL-esque attached straw. Add King Harry and his smash single, and I am forced to sip filtered water from a cursed vessel. Your little sister will love it, though!

Lily Allen x Womanizer "Liberty" Sex Toy $99
I am a longtime Lily Allen fan. There is a longer story of her and I having a short but intense conversation in the lobby of the Soho Grand Hotel (look, it was 2007). She was arguing with her managers about playing SNL while very ill, and she looked over and asked my opinion. Eye contact was made, etc. Anyway, it's 2020, and Lily has released a women's sex toy that is getting a lot of positive press. An excellent gift for anyone but your Mom or sister.

Slave Play by Jeremy O. Harris in paperback $16
You have probably seen playwright Jeremy O. Harris on magazine covers (see the new 20th-anniversary edition of 032c) or follow him on Instagram for his excellent Coronavirus Mixtape series, but uh, he also received the most Tony Award nominations in history. Not to mention he looks fabulous in Gucci, gallivanting all over Europe. Sorry, I got sidetracked. Since Broadway is closed right now, giving the gift of Slave Play is the next best thing.

Frederic Malle Cafe Society Perfume Gun $195
Before you have guests over for your superspreader holiday dinner, fire off a few rounds from the perfume gun in every room; the luxurious scent of patchouli, amber, lavender will relax everyone’s fears about the novel Coronavirus and allow them to simply enjoy some holiday cheer.

Khaite Joey Pant $1,380
Is your influencer girlfriend lying around the house in ratty old sweatpants? Maybe it's time to upgrade her, so she stops getting shamed on TikTok. May I suggest the Joey Pant from Khaite. They come in a chic camel cashmere, so bae will stay warm while being cool. They can be dressed up too. Date night at Boa can be cozy in 2021. Win/win, baby.

Deer Dana Stacey Abrams T-Shirt $60
Is someone on your list keeping a close eye on the Georgia senate races? Did they donate a lot of money to Democratic candidates? Did they cry when Bernie lost? Give them this Deer Dana Stacey Abrams t-shirt. It's cool, timely, topical, and the proceeds will be donated between Raphael Warnock, Jon Ossoff, and Fairfight.

Tyler Mitchell “I Can Make You Feel Good”
Tyler Mitchell is a photographer from Atlanta who now lives in Brooklyn. You may have seen his work on numerous large-circulation magazine covers: Beyonce for Vogue, Michaela Coel for WSJ, Indya Moore for i-D, and Harry Styles for Vogue. You get the idea. His work is excellent, and anyone would be chuffed to have a first edition of his book on their shelves.

Susan Alexandra Make Your Own Pearly Uno Necklace $95
The first time I met the downtown NYC queen of accessories, Susan Alexandra, she presented me with my own 1/1 navy blue crossbody AirPod holder. I couldn’t have been more excited. Since that fateful day, her range has expanded to include a customizable pearly necklace. The selection of charms (black and white cookie, watermelon, sunnyside up egg) is fantastic and sure to please anyone on your list.

WeedSport™ CBD DUNK $23
I imagine most people in your life need to RELAX. It's been a long year for many reasons. Maybe you have been spending your quarantine on the tennis court, learning a new skill. Perhaps you have been inside, clenched, taking in the onslaught of bad news. Either way, everyone needs to unwind. The WeedSport™ CBD DUNK will do just that. Draw a hot bath and forget how much mindless Bravo you’ve watched in the last 12 months. It will be our little secret :)

Cat Marnell "Beautyshambles" Patreon Subscription $6
I am exhausted by the Substack discourse. We will look up in six months and realize that we have just reverse-engineered the blog, but that is beside the point. Cat Marnell is a brilliant writer, Pete Doherty stan, and bonafide New York City legend. Her substack is unhinged and fun. Every dispatch is a journey through her twisted mind, and it's a must read! Give the gift of GOOD content this holiday season.

Tao Peking Duck Dinner Kit for 4 $149
If someone on your list is stuck in a flyover state for the holidays, why not give them the gift of overpriced but totally edible Peking duck from New York and Los Angeles celeb hot spot Tao? No valet, no bottle service, no Drake sightings, but maybe they will FEEL something.

Custom Sad Song by Phoebe Bridgers 1 bitcoin
You get to meet singer/songwriter Phoebe Bridgers at the Intelligentsia in Silverlake Junction. Over oat milk lattes, she will ask you about your life before taking the source material and hitting the studio to create a heart-wrenching ballad for and about you to share with your ex, your parents, and your small number of followers online. Since Elliott Smith is no longer with us and Morrissey is cancelled this is the next best thing.